What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Ive learnt so much.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

What happens when you have paranoid schizophrenia?

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

But, we were locked up after school.

I could never make a relationship work though!

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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

He knew the spot.

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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Especially a lifetime of it.

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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

(And it was in our own minds.)

She found it foreign!.

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Im still living with it.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

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She died at 55 of colon cancer.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

They are buried together, in the same grave..

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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

What were some of the unforgettable incidents from your school life?

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Put me off passion for life!!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

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The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

This is soul school!.

What did i know ?

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

My life is so biszare .

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I was scared of men, in general

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

But it wasn’t much.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

When she asked me how she looked .

One cannot live in the past .

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

She was in good health!

So whats the point in blame.

So, i spoilt her more .

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I said to her

I was seconnd youngest,

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Im dying but, im not bitter.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I never cut or harmed myself..

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

But ive been too sick for many years..

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I don,t even have a pension.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

All the time i was locked up.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

As i do to all so called friends.?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

He resisted the act ,that day.

She married twice! .

My mum and dad in the seventies!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

I will be 64.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

Who then, do I blame.?

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Would this be the day?

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

My family never makes their pension either.

I think the readers, may guess!

It was going to be , some day.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I write beautiful poetry .

The only rule us 5 kids had .

I was 9 years of age.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

I couldn’t, believe it.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Why did i forgive my father ?

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Was to survive, this bastard.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I have no regrets .

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I waited trembling.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

We were not on the streets..

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

We all went to grammer schools

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

She loved him until the end.

She wouldn,t have been !

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I was very sick at this time too.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

And i lived it daily.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Comes on , in middle age.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.